A Microbiology Christmas :-)

Yersinia yersinia at CYBERNEX.NET
Mon Dec 15 20:46:05 EST 1997

Holiday Greetings to my fellow Microbiologists, Students and =
Microbiology Enthusiasts,

It's that time of the year once again...so I'd like to ask the =
squeamish and those who lack a really bizarre sense of humor to hit =
their"delete" keys now and read no further.  For those of you who are =
new (subscribed to this newsgroup after I originally posted it on =
12/16/96, you will find the Mad Scientist version of "The Night =
Before Christmas." Those of you who have seen it may scroll past - =
but not *too* far, because I've turned my twisted mind to three =
scientifically accurate, singable Christmas carols. More carols are =
in the works presently, which (unless I start getting hate emails =
from you or the moderator), I'll post when finished - either within a =
couple of weeks, or next Christmas season. In the meantime, to =
paraphrase my "disclaimer" from last year:  These are on the sick =
side (to say the very least) but it all started on a dare from my =
husband (then boyfriend) in Dec. 1995. I predict that some of you =
will think they're too psycho, but others of you will enjoy them. =
I'll take my chances that you'll all think I'm nuts, and I hope you =
enjoy reading and singing these as much as I enjoyed writing them.

(1) A Mad Scientist Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all thru my house,
Not a specimen was stirring, not even a louse.
The test tubes were capped and the rat cages closed,
The mold cultures fuzzy, the mice in repose.
The oven kept warm the ebola and pox, 
I still need to locate my husband=B9s clean socks...
But that has to wait till tomorrow, I know;
My buggies still need that much more time to grow.

When from the kitchen came a massive explosion,
I leapt from my bed in perpetual motion.
Grabbing my lab coat I pulled on my pants,
Struggling into them a sick sort of dance.
With fury and haste I put on a shirt, 
Running out of the bedroom on feet black with dirt.
Buttoning my lab coat and donning a mask, 
I ran into the kitchen holding an Erlenmeyer flask.

I nearly passed out when the man who I saw,
dressed in containment gear sealed without flaw,
Held high a huge sack with his arm stiff and straight,
I could tell he must have a hard time with his weight.
Through the mike from his suit he said without pause,
=B3Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas, I=B9m Hanta Claus!=B2
Over his shoulder he hefted the sack,
We walked into the living room, I offered a snack.
He took it and smiled, placed the sack by my bench,
Instantly I noticed the Clostridium stench.
Brimming with joy, I cried out with glee,
=B3Did you bring all of these germies for me?=B2
=B3Oh yes,=B2 said Hanta, =B3I must show propriety;
By bringing you microbes, I=B9m saving society.
=B3You are the only one who loves these diseases.
Therefore I=B9m glad to oblige who it pleases.=B2

Delirious with excitement I sat by his side
While he gave me a year=B9s stock of microscope slides,
And pasteur pipettes, drug resistant bacteria,
Such as staph, strep and cultures from the genus Neisseria.

The gleam in my eyes caused the house to be lit,
The moment he gave me a gram-staining kit,
Clostridium tetani, perfringens and sporogenes,
Salmonella typhi and Streptococcus pyogenes!
Plus viruses known to produce hepatitis,
Herpes, and rabies, yellow fever and meningitis!
But that was not all, he had parasites too,
Plasmodia, trypanosomes and schistosomes true!
Tapeworms and roundworms, plague-carrying fleas.
How sincerely generous, Hanta did aim to please!

At long last he said he must now go away,
His sled was experiencing radioactive decay.
=B3Thanks for the presents,=B2 I said, shaking his hand,
=B3They=B9ll keep me off the streets, you understand.=B2

Hanta Claus smiled and bid me goodnight,
Shouting =B3Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good blight!=B2
(2)  Hark! The Streptococcus Brings  (Melody: "Hark! The Herald =
Angels Sing")

Hark! the Streptococcus brings 
Strep sore throat to all who sing,
Chloraseptic doesn=B9t cure it
Other people=B9s sneezing lures it.
If the strep bug has a virus
Scarlet fever then arises,
Cross reaction with the heart
Causes it to come apart,
Hark! the Streptococcus totes,
Toxin and fire to all it smotes.

Pneumonia makes you cough and wheeze,
Mucus fills the lungs with sleaze
A viscous greenish oozing cloak,
That causes you to gasp and choke
Without water you can drown
If you breathe the strep germ down
Hark! The Streptococcus breeds
The misery of a bad disease

Of fecal strep in food beware,
Methane gas befouls the air,
Speedily you drop your pants
As if they held live fire ants
On the toilet you are dying
Bent in pain, guts liquefying
Hail! the Streptococcus means
Glory to those who would be lean
(3)  O Humid Night  (Melody: "O Holy Night")

O Humid Night
Anopheline mosquitoes
Are circling you in the hope of a meal.
She takes a bite, saliva from her mouthparts
Drool parasites which you can=B9t see or feel

Your brain can get sick,
You will have a coma
After the rage and the headaches have passed
You=B9re veggie soup, home to protozoa,
Mosquito lands, time to go home at last..

Fall on your knees, 
Pale, burning with fever
Are in your blood, were in your spleen
There=B9s no real cure, just in your dreams...
(4)  Away in a Test Tube   (Melody: "Away in a Manger")

Away in a test tube
My plague cultures grow
On nutrient agar
Mankind=B9s greatest foe

It=B9s easy to grow them
If one does it right
At thirty-five Celsius
All day and all night

Once they are ready
You can let them go
To sicken the masses
With pus-filled buboes.

"Van der waals with boughs of holly..."

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